Moving Along Absentmindedly

28 Jul

This week’s ultrasound showed a perfectly sized embryo with a beating heart. 145 bpm. I saw it as soon as she inserted Wandy and I felt a rush of relief and got teary-eyed. Despite my detachment, I guess there’s some emotion about this one underneath all the exhaustion from toddler wrangling and nagging fear of loss. As if there was any doubt. but it still feels so different to the first time round. I remember cooing and aahing over every grainy ultrasound pic last time. This one got shoved to the bottom of my purse where I kind of forgot about until my husband asked to see it when he got home hours later. It feels like this developing little one is getting short-changed a bit, and I feel a little guilty about it. Actually I don’t know what to feel. It’s just a confusing jumble of things. I’m still having a hard time imagining loving another like I love my little Sophie, but everyone says that the love is there, and it’s just as strong. So I’ll just keep moving along and try to stay aware of all these confusing feelings one day at a time.


One Response to “Moving Along Absentmindedly”

  1. No Baby Ruth July 29, 2013 at 12:44 am #

    Wonderful news!!

    And, if it’s any consolation, you’ve described my feelings to a T, despite the fact that we tried very hard for this baby. I think it’s just a matter of it being the second go-around, and of it being overshadowed by a larger-than-life toddler personality… I have faith that we’ll get there, emotionally and mentally.

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