Half In Half Out

19 Jul

That’s kind of how I feel about this pregnancy. I want to be excited about it, but I’m also not ready to invest emotionally. And it’s different to last time. Yes, I spent my whole pregnancy floating in and out of an anxious state that something terrible was going to happen, but I was 100% invested in it. I was living as if my life depended on it working out. This is very different. Don’t get me wrong, now that we’re here, I want another child very badly, and I’d like it to be the one that’s currently growing in my belly. But at the same time, everything just feels a little muted. I have a lively feisty toddler demanding my attention and the stakes don’t feel quite as high. I’ll still have her, no matter what happens. The weird thing is that physically, this one is a lot harder so far. Where I had no nausea last time, this time I’m waking up feeling queasy every morning. Not enough to throw up, but enough to make me want to throw the covers back over my head and hide. I didn’t even ask my husband to go with me to the first ultrasound earlier this week. He has a crazy work schedule right now and I knew it would be hugely inconvenient for him. I also knew that no matter what happened, I could handle it.

It’s a weird place to be. I want to just enjoy this and feel excited about it. But I can’t. Not yet.
I think what’s making this a little harder, and maybe a little weirder, is that a good friend who has a baby 4 months younger than mine is also pregnant, and just one week behind me. She’s one of those people that got pregnant the first time they really tried, and now even this time, not trying at all. Okay, neither were we, but whatever. My point is that pregnancy comes easily to her and the pessimist in me can see this playing out in a torturous fashion. I lose my baby and then have to experience her pregnancy while our toddlers play together. Urgh. That would be hard. Despite my stated lack of emotional investment right now.

Anyway, so some updates and details. I had an ultrasound two days ago at 6 weeks 1 day. Even though the tech assured me that they were not expecting to see a heartbeat, I was hoping of course that they would. They didn’t. What they did see was an appropriately sized gestational sac, yolk sac and fetal pole.  She said everything looks good and it’s normal for the heartbeat to not be showing up yet. I remembered we saw one at 6 weeks 4 days last time but that was a Clomid cycle. On those I always ovulated on day 14 but left to its own devices my ovaries prefer to ovulate around day 18. So it’s all perfectly plausible that we didn’t see it, but I’m still cautious and preparing myself for the worst.

Another scan next week, so until then.


2 Responses to “Half In Half Out”

  1. conceptionallychallenged July 22, 2013 at 6:45 pm #

    It’s hard for me to imagine, being pregnant with my first(s), but yeah, makes sense that it feels different. No Baby Ruth seems to be working through similar feelings.
    Hope the next scan brings more good news, and a heartbeat!

  2. No Baby Ruth July 25, 2013 at 2:48 am #

    Ditto, girl. Half in, half out is absolutely where I’ve been. FINALLY after seeing a properly growing baby and properly beating heart at TEN weeks, I am beginning to relax a bit. FINALLY. It’s not easy. TTC#2 was really hard for me because of these incredibly mixed emotions about taking (physical AND mental) time and energy from S. Pregnancy with #2 is similar to that in many ways because you have this huge, incredible, amazing thing going on inside you but you also have this huge, incredible, amazing thing going on OUTSIDE of you (more half-in, half-out, right?). And one of them feels decidedly more real. So, all of that is to say that I think this is very, very normal.

    Also, re: heartbeat – we did not see heartbeat(s) at 5w6d with Sofia. We saw one this time at 6w3d, but it was still fairly slow. Believe me, I googled the crap out of “early heartbeat” and everything I found said it was totally normal to be non-existent/slow through the early part of 6 weeks. It can literally be a matter of hours.

    Thinking of you and hoping this week’s scan brings good news!!

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