I feel like an ass

4 Jul

I really do. I haven’t blogged in forever. My “baby” just turned two. I guess I became one of those bloggers who really had no idea how to blog once the baby was on the other side. But I have been following your stories quietly.

I really do feel like an ass for coming back to this space to talk about the legacy of infertility and its aftermath, because I have been so very silent, but it feels good just to be here. I’m really not expecting anyone to even be reading anymore.

It’s been a weird year. I was pretty “one and done” for a long time. I hit the big 4-0 and decided that I just wasn’t going to stress about pursuing another pregnancy actively. But then. One pregnancy announcement after another after another in my “mommy circle” and I started to feel those familiar pangs of jealousy, failure, inadequacy and regret. And panic. So off I trudged three weeks ago to go and get my hormone levels checked, just out of curiosity. The new doctor I saw (my old OB retired at the end of last year) gave me a “just in case” prescription for Clomid, told me to wean before taking it (yep, STILL nursing) and ran some bloodwork. He called back a few days later to say that levels were okay, but AMH levels (first time I’d had those tested) were at the bottom end of the normal range. I didn’t really give it much thought. It seems that AMH numbers are more relevant in IVF cycles, as a predictor of how eggs might get retrieved. As long as you’re ovulating every month, it could be a good egg, or a bad one and that’s that (well we all know it’s so much more than that, but you get the idea).  I did spend that day in a little bit of a funk. I hadn’t really been tracking my cycle that much and certainly hadn’t been trying too hard for a baby.  But I hadn’t been preventing one either since getting my period back last summer.  Getting this tangible evidence of my declining ovarian reserve was a little bit of a punch. Although really, it didn’t surprise me given my age. Normal 40 year old ovaries, right?

Imagine my surprise a few days ago, a few days late, to get a positive on an HPT. I don’t know what to say or do. I feel like I should go in for a Beta, but I don’t even have an RE anymore. I feel like I’m going to have a miscarriage. I feel totally ambivalent, yet completely thrilled. I look at my baby and can’t imagine that there could be another one. Could it be? Could I be this lucky? Something tells me no. But I guess I’m just gonna take it one day at a time.

Of course I’m very twingy on one side, which is immediately making me jump to the conclusion that I am having an ectopic pregnancy. When it comes to the roof of panic, I am really not good at ducking my head.

Happy 4th everyone!


3 Responses to “I feel like an ass”

  1. conceptionallychallenged July 4, 2013 at 5:31 pm #

    That’s awesome news! Hoping it’s in the right place and will stick there for many months to come.

  2. No Baby Ruth July 4, 2013 at 11:48 pm #

    Congratulations!! I hope that all is well and that your surprise (but clearly perfectly-timed with your heart’s desires) baby is here to stay!!! PLEASE keep us posted!!!

    I have kept you in my reader all these long 2 years on the off-chance you decided to comeback to this space, and I am so glad that I did. I’ve missed you and missed hearing about your S.

  3. pumpkinpatch701 July 8, 2013 at 7:08 am #

    Hello, lady! So great to hear from you! I, too, have been a crap blogger since the pumpling was born. But a positive HPT…WOW! May things proceed precisely as you wish them to. We’re still in the “one and done” camp for now. Wonder whether we’ll remain there. Sending hugs and love from the east coast. xoxo

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