Almost there

17 Jun

It’s June. How did that happen? I’ve been wanting to post for weeks, but I suppose like most things, the longer you put if off, the harder it gets.

I’m not sure where my blabbermouth went these past few months. Every time I sat down to post, it seemed like there was so much to say that I became easily distracted with things like “Countdown to baby to-do lists” or ‘Hospital packing” lists or “Things we still need” lists. Or the endless researching. Of the strollers, the cloth diapers, the baby seats, the bedding, the bassinets. I’m not complaining one bit. I realize what a milestone it was to get to the point where I was comfortable transitioning our office into a nursery, or actually buying stuff that a baby body would go into. Or agreeing to showers people wanted to host for me, and actually attending those showers and not feel like I was watching someone else’s life from across the room. (There were many moments in my first and second trimesters that felt that way for me.)

Listen to me, talking like it’s over. It’s not. But almost. Almost. I’m 39 weeks and 3 days and at today’s appointment I was told that things were definitely happening and baby is perfectly positioned for labor. Obviously my OB is no fortune teller, but she said she’d be a little surprised if she didn’t see me before my 40+ week appointment. Like see me at the hospital, delivering my baby, rather than seeing me for the pee in a cup, weigh-in, cervix grope and see-you-next-week ritual.

It all feels so surreal. Once the milestone-to- milestone anxiety began to wane (for the most part, more on that later), I settled into a groove and loved being pregnant. I’m someone who hates being the center of attention, but I thoroughly enjoyed strangers’ exuberance at my big belly, everyone at work celebrating it and so excited for me.  And on the vain side, my skin and hair have never looked better. (I know what this means — I will be a beast post-partum — that just seems fair, right?) And until very recently, (when I have become very impatient about wanting to know whether Floss Baby is a boy or a girl), I loved the state of not knowing. I daydreamed about a baby with fat wrists and chubby fingers. Sometimes he was a boy with dark curly hair like Mr. Floss, sometimes she was a girl in the prettiest little dress, or playing soccer in big, muddy shorts. It didn’t matter. I loved every fantasy and idea that popped into my head.

All the old wives tale speculations have also been very entertaining. I wish I’d written them all down. Like, “Your nose has been running for the past two days! It’s a GIRL!” (No, I just had a cold), or “You have no weight on your butt, it’s SO a BOY.”  (All my life I have wished for a BOO-TEH. I’m not built for it. Bun in the oven or not.) What else? The dangling necklace test has come up girl every time, but last weekend a stranger passing me on the street yelled out “BOY!”

There have been some dark moments. I would be withholding a great deal if I ended this post here. Part of me doesn’t even want to go there, but there have been some crippling moments of panic. Those mornings when I woke up and didn’t feel movement in the early hours like I normally do. When I would reach for my phone, lie there in the dark and start reading about umbilical cord tangles, placental abruption and all the other things that can go wrong up until the end. I wish I could say I had eventually reached a definite end point to my pregnancy anxiety, but one of those moments was just this morning.

It had been a long time since my last freak-out. I think it was a combination of being so close to the end, the day of an appointment, and my (sometimes ridiculous) attempts to still juggle stressful freelance work at this eleventh hour all colliding in my mind in the wee hours. I finally got up to try and get out of the zone and my husband found me a bit later sobbing on the floor in the nursery while I looked at all the baby things around me. Wondering what I would do if this did not in fact result in a real  take-home baby.

But I float out of that space. I always do. Baby knows what to do by giving me what is sometimes the gentlest little roll kick at the end of a dark hour or two. He (or she) is saying, “Chill mom. We’ve got this. It’s in the bag. Now lets get our asses back to that comfy bed with the new bedding I had to listen to you hem and haw over in the store three Saturdays in a row.”

So now we wait. We’re pretty much ready. The nursery isn’t completely done, but I’m such a tinkerer when it comes to decorating that there’ll be “finishing touches” moments for the next few months, our bags are packed, the freezer is stocked and the only obligations for the weekend are a grown-up dinner at a new restaurant downtown and “Bridesmaids.” Sounds like a good way to say goodbye to our old life and think about the new. (Of course we could be doing it all again next weekend…)



One Response to “Almost there”

  1. lady pumpkin June 17, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

    It’s so good to hear from you! I’ve been thinking about you and thinking you must be veryvery close. So exciting!!! I hate that the moments of panic haven’t completely disappeared for you, but am so glad that FB nudges you back to peace before long. Wishing you the absolute best of everything in this next week or two–and going forward! Please let us know what flavor baby you end up with. Thank you so much for your support and comments. xoxo

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