Whirlwind (and Whining)

10 Dec

A few days ago I had my last free ultrasound and officially graduated from my RE. Wheee!  I did feel a bit like I was being sent to a deserted, lonely island where ultrasounds are scarce. I’ve been so spoiled my first trimester, getting one every week. Not sure how I would have managed my anxiety without them.

How will I wait so long for another?

Actually, I only have to wait until January 7.  My next ultrasound will be part of the amnio where it will help make sure the needle does not poke my baby. Something tells me that one won’t be quite as much fun.

On Monday I was measuring a few days ahead at 12w1d. So I am closing in on 13 weeks. As is typical with me, now that I am moving out of the first trimester, I can’t stop thinking about the leading cause of second trimester miscarriage – the incompetent cervix. Once upon a time my former OB told me my cervix was a little shorter than average. This was when I was much younger and not ready to have babies, and didn’t give it too much thought until I began spending an embarrassing amount of time researching infertility, miscarriage and all the things that can go wrong. My current OB thinks a short cervix would be a difficult thing to diagnose during a routine Pap smear, and it might not be anything to worry about, or have any impact on my pregnancy. She feels naturally shorter doesn’t necessarily mean incompetent,  but she has agreed to monitor it closely.

Of course my newest worry has not been shy about making its way to center stage. Seriously if you could see inside my brain right now it would be quite a show. Panic. Joy. Worry. Anxiety. Elation. Hormonal outburst. Tears. Laughter. Happiness. Awe.

I also got the news a few hours ago that my parents (who live in Cape Town) have decided to make a last-minute Christmas trip to California. My sister lives in San Francisco and they plan to spend all of the trip there. I was gracious and excited when my dad called with the news, but then had a bit of a meltdown. I’m blaming the hormones for the many mixed emotions I have about this trip.

Even though I love my husband more than anything in the world and would go anywhere with him, sometimes I hate that we live in LA (his career was the reason for our move from up North). My parents have a love affair with San Francisco and really have no desire to go anywhere else when they are in California. We were already living in LA during my parents’ last visit to California for our wedding in 2008. Although we got married in SF my parents did spend some time with us here before the wedding. They were among the most stressful days of my life. The day before their flight to LA, my dad fell on the street in San Francisco, adding insult to an already serious nerve damage injury that’s a complication of a neurological condition he has. He stoically insisted on making the trip, but spent his days here in a great deal of pain, with me driving him to Cedars Sinai for appointments with neurologists and MRI scans. I also had to try and procure a prescription for decent pain meds while we were waiting to get these appointments (thank god for a dear, dear friend with personal connections to an MD who trusted that I was not a Percocet addict). I was in the throes of last minute wedding details, wondering if my beloved dad would be able to even be at the wedding, let alone walk me down the aisle (he did). I also happened to be in the midst of finals for that semester of grad school.  Finals I was taking a week early because of the wedding. It was awful. Their experience of my new home was tainted (aside from one beautiful afternoon at The Getty), and I knew that the next time they came back would probably not be until I had a baby. (And who knew how fucking long THAT was going to take?)

So, amidst the happiness that I will be seeing my parents for the holidays (we had planned to spend a week in SF over Christmas anyway), I have all kinds of ugly feelings. Like why now? I know my mom will come back in June when I have the baby, and stay a while, but it is unlikely that my dad will make this arduous trip twice in six months. This makes me sad. My 3 older siblings all had both my parents around when they had their (many) kids.  I am also jealous that my sister (6 years older than me) who had an “oops” pregnancy with her boyfriend (now her husband) when she was 27 got to have years of long parental visits and doting grandparenting before my dad’s health got worse. She is thrilled about the visit, and doesn’t get my grumpiness about how last minute it all is.  She’s not the one who will only get to spend one week with them when they are here for three. If we’d had more notice, my husband and I could have planned our December differently and possibly stayed longer. She said, “Well, we can all come to LA after Christmas!” And all I could think about was the amnio in early January, and how a house full of guests  is the last thing I will want during a stressful diagnostic test, bed rest after, and waiting for the results. Maybe I will want my mom around, but maybe I won’t. I love my mom but don’t feel up to making the decision about houseguests that week. I’m reluctant to say yes, but feel guilty saying no.

So what it boils down to is that the timing of this trip is bad for ME ME ME and I hate feeling so selfish when I have so much to feel thankful for right now. I hate that feeling that creeps up that San Francisco and my adorable, lovely niece there will always trump Los Angeles, no matter what the circumstances. I loathe sounding like the youngest of four, and that I was fighting back tears while talking to my bossy sister. It’s amazing how quickly we revert to our childhood roles.

But I feel better now, just for writing this.

And as it turned out, our wedding was wonderful. My dad was doing a lot better and it was a day I wish I could relive over and over again. Here’s a picture. I feel a little weird posting it on the internet but I think my blog readership is sufficiently low for me to not worry about the exposure.


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2 Responses to “Whirlwind (and Whining)”

  1. lady pumpkin December 10, 2010 at 8:01 pm #

    Look at you two beauties on your wedding day. Thank you so much for sharing that! It *is* amazing how we revert to our childhood roles–with siblings and parents both. I’m so sorry you feel like your location makes visiting a less-than-desirable way for your parents to spend their time. That’s a sucky feeling. From a silver-lining point of view, it’s lovely that you enjoy your parents enough to mind spending less time with them rather than more; that’s certainly not a given in all families. Sending all-purpose hugs; use them as needed.

  2. conceptionallychallenged December 13, 2010 at 6:05 am #

    Your wedding picture is lovely!
    I think if I were in your situation such a last-minute trip would somehow upset me as well, especially with the amnio in the middle. I hope you get to spend some time with your parents, whether in SF or in LA or both.

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