Still here

17 Nov

I’ve been a lazy commenter, and an even lazier writer. I have been following your stories though.

Things got kind of crazy for me between some unexpected freelance deadlines, long days at my internship and all kinds of personal crap I could no longer delay taking care of. Stuff like consolidating my student loan and organizing a mountain of financial paperwork.

So not much fun has been getting in my way, although there was a weekend getaway to San Diego, which was nice. Hubs is on a rowing team and they have a race every year at Mission Bay so we make an annual trek. This year I scoured some San Diego food blogs before the trip and we discovered some truly yummy eats in some of the city’s less familiar pockets. I am happy (or maybe I’m sad) to report that I did not eat a single fish taco this weekend.

Another reason I haven’t written much is that I’m not sure where/how I fit in the IF community anymore. I still feel terrified about miscarriage (understatement), but I’m also dwelling on things on the other side, like costs of childbirth, prenatal screening and diagnosis, insurance, birth plans etc. These were not the kinds of things I typically cared to read about or weigh in on when I was struggling with yet another failed cycle. I suppose I just have to accept that my main reason for starting this blog was sorting through some of the fuzz balls in my head. And those are still there in spades, even if the actual fuzz is a little different.

I also feel like every time I post about anything pregnancy-related, I’m jinxing it, and a miscarriage will immediately follow. The fact that I’ve started to think magically and superstitiously about my blog can’t be good.

My first OB ultrasound was Monday. I’ve decided to stay with my doctor. She is going to discount her prenatal care and labor and delivery fees based on the fact that she likes me, but hates my insurance company. So we’re looking at a total cost of $2,000 for her. I thought that was kind of a bargain. All hospital fees will be in network so although I’ll have to meet my deductible, I think it’s worth it to stay with her. If anyone has had any experience with high deductibles  or going out of network for prenatal care and delivery, I’d love to hear about it.

And besides, how could I possibly leave a doctor who spent almost an hour with me in her office post-ultrasound? And when I complained of constipation, in addition to giving me some more “scientific” solutions,  immediately handed me her bran muffin recipe? I really want her to be the one on the business end of the stirrups. And I can’t seem to change my mind about that.

Her ultrasound machine isn’t quite as fancy as the one at the fertility clinic, so I didn’t get that instantly clear image I’ve grown accustomed to over at the Mercedes Benz suite. A mini heart attack ensued when I thought we were looking at an empty sac. But there’s still a living embryo up in my uterus and I am now 8w6d. I know I am not out of the woods yet. I don’t feel it anyway. Having almost no pregnancy symptoms is a continued source of anxiety. I can’t seem to get to the other side of that and accept that it might just be what’s normal for me.

Then there’s the big CVS vs. amnio decision. I was initially going to go straight for CVS without passing go, but am now leaning in the direction of amnio. I’ve been reassured a million times  that CVS is safe and if you go to someone experienced in the procedure, the miscarriage rate is fractional to non-existent. But when a baby took time and money to conceive and it might be your last because of your age, that higher miscarriage rate does not sit well with me. Of course neither does a 2nd trimester termination if there is a serious abnormality. So I guess I have to choose which heartbreaking risk is the one I feel better about taking. Impossible to know for sure. I’m going to have rely on my gut for this one. (And my gut is such an over-reactive pain in the butt.)

Heartbreak aside, there is some financial motivation for amnio. Amnio and CVS both run around $2,700 – $3,000. If I do CVS, it falls in this calendar year, meaning it will be applied to this year’s deductible, and I’ll start over in January. If I wait to do the amnio in early January, I’ll wipe out a nice chunk of the deductible for that year (which will be an expensive one) and save us up to $3,000. I know this is confusing, and it feels calculating to even think about something so important this way, but I can’t ignore the financial truth. And how much of a hit we’ve already taken.

And that’s where I am.

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One Response to “Still here”

  1. BabyMakingDiary November 18, 2010 at 2:17 pm #

    Oh phew, you’re back! Was beginning to worry about you 🙂 So pleased your latest u/s showed all is still good in there. Good luck with your decision about amnio/CVS. Take care x

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