Big feelings

23 Oct

I’ve been a little blog shy. I wasn’t expecting to feel so awkward about writing about something I’ve wanted for so long. I was worried my anxiety after clearing some big hurdles would be annoying, or that no-one wants to read about how scared I am by my lack of symptoms. But here I am, kind of a mess this week, so I finally decided I needed to write about this to process some of the feelings. At the therapeutic preschool/kindergarten where I work we have the kids write and draw about their “big feelings” all the time, and it’s amazing to see how much it organizes and calms them.

So here goes, a big old purge of big feelings.

I’m so very scared. I still can’t believe this happened the way it did, and I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. It doesn’t help that I don’t have any strong symptoms. I know it’s normal to not feel much of anything until 6 weeks, (I’m at about 5w5d); I have symptoms that come and go, like boob tenderness and heartburn; or, every once in a while I’ll take a bite of something and quickly decide that I absolutely don’t want any more of it, but that’s it. Oh, and the constipation. But I am no stranger to this one. I am easily thrown off by vacations, changes to my schedule and the magic only really happens at home. But if I’m home and all is normal, things run on schedule. Not this week. Enough said.

I should be reassured by a lack of cramping or spotting. But then I also know that missed miscarriages happen all the time. I know I need to stop trolling the internet for others’ stories. I don’t know why I do this. It tortures me. I hate that every trip to the bathroom that doesn’t reveal any pink, red or brown on the toiler paper feels like a victory. But then it doesn’t.

I am angry that pregnancy loss robbed me of of the ability to enjoy it now that it’s happened again. I’m not sure I’ll ever let go of this dread and doubt. Through all the months of trying again, I so looked forward to that feeling of complete elation when it happened again. It did feel great those first days and those rising betas put a huge grin on my face every time I listened to the message from the nurse (something I did more times than I care to admit). That feels like a long time ago. Now I can’t shake the bad feeling that something might be wrong.

I am annoyed at myself for telling one or two (okay, three) people I hadn’t planned to. My parents and a handful of close friends know (because they have all held my hand and my pain through this struggle) but I had also told people I probably shouldn’t have. The first time because I wasn’t prepared with my “why I’m not drinking” story. We had brunch with some friends last weekend at their home. We always see these particular friends when another friend from San Francisco is in town. They always serve mimosas, and it happened to be my husband’s birthday so everyone was feeling celebratory. I asked for only orange juice and all was fine. When it was time for refills, our host said, “So, just orange juice for you again?” And, because he is gushy (charmingly) he said with a huge grin, “Is there a REASON we’re not drinking?” And I caved. Then felt like that was the worst idea in the world.

Then I told someone I work with. Back in my old corporate life, I could easily sneak in at 9:30 and no-one would be any the wiser. I would let my boss know if I was going to be very late, but unless there was an early  morning meeting, I would easily have been able to get away with early morning doctor’s appointments.  I worked pretty autonomously and independently. Now I work as part of a clinical team, and we rely on each other very much. Earlier this year when I was having appointments on exactly the days I needed to be at work by 8am, I told the one person who really needed to know, that we were having fertility treatments and there would be days when I would be just a little late. She was very supportive and told me about a few of her friends who had had successful IUIs. One day after school this week we were chatting and I mentioned that I would be late again next week (ultrasound day). She asked how everything was going and I ended up telling her. I know she won’t tell anyone else and she knows that I am still very cautious but I still felt like an idiot for doing it. One more person to tell when it doesn’t work out.

And there’s more. Yesterday I went for my annual eye exam with the world’s loveliest ophthalmologist. She is one of those doctors who always wants to know about your life.  At my last appointment when she and I were discussing how annoying health insurance companies were (at the time I was being denied individual coverage for a recent abnormal pap smear) she mentioned she had been denied for endometriosis. That somehow lead to a discussion about having babies, how she’d struggled and that my husband and I were trying. So when she beamed at me and said, “It’s so nice to see you! Anything new with you?,” I couldn’t hold back. After hemming and hawing and saying “nothing much,” I finally told her. It’s like I have no control over my damn yap.

I haven’t told my siblings. It seems weird that my eye doctor, and some not-so-close friends know, but my brothers and sister don’t. It’s not that I’m not close to my siblings, but they don’t live nearby. Well, my sister lives in San Francisco, but as much as we get along, she’s not the warm and fuzzy type, and I’ve never felt entirely comfortable being emotional around her. I have a much closer relationship to my brother nearest to me in age, but furthest away geographically. He called me last weekend, and I haven’t called him back and have been avoiding him on Skype. I think I’ll tell him and his wife soon, though. And then of course the other sibs will follow.

So that’s what’s going on with me this week. Anxious, scared, impossible to reassure, irritated, no fun to be around. I hope I can move through it.

So much for blog shy. I wrote a novel.


4 Responses to “Big feelings”

  1. lady pumpkin October 23, 2010 at 10:19 am #

    I’m glad you wrote. I know what you mean about telling people you wish you hadn’t. You want to share the news, and yet you want it all for yourself. It’s a tough line to walk. I hope things continue to go well, and that, if at all possible, you’re able to relax and enjoy this pregnancy a little more, for as long as it lasts–hopefully a good nine months or so. Sending hugs.

  2. BabyMakingDiary October 24, 2010 at 8:42 am #

    Agree with Lady P – think it’s very good you wrote this post and got it off your chest. Sometimes it’s just easier to tell people stuff who we’re not as close to. You may be scared and anxious but I’m sure there’s still a part of you that wants to be excited and happy, and that’s the part of you that’s telling people. No need to beat yourself up about it. Hopefully in time you’ll be able to relax more and the excited/happy you will completely take over from the anxious/scared you. Thx for your continuing comments on my blog by the way, I always love reading them! x

  3. Secret Sloper October 24, 2010 at 3:26 pm #

    Definitely tell us whenever you want! Better than all these real life people. I told my dentist when we were pregnant and regret it ever time I go back– there’s a big fat MISCARRIAGE at the bottom of my record now and I don’t need my freaking dentist to know that! If I ever have something like that come up again, I’m canceling all non-pregnancy related appointments until after first tri.

  4. egghunt October 24, 2010 at 7:38 pm #

    I think the fact that you’ve told a few slightly random people is a good thing. You were testing the waters… seeing how it felt to say those words again, and by saying them to people who arent entwined in your every day personal life you don’t have the threat that you’ll be bombarded with questions or thrown off guard by some weird well meaning comment.
    I completely ‘get’ your feelings of wanting to guard your heart from more pain.
    It’s not an easy transition to make but you are heading in the right direction and I hope you feel safe blogging here for as long as you need to.

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