Can you hear my brain? It’s churning.

11 Oct

Has it really been almost a week since I posted?

But today is 13 days post ovulation so it’s time to confront the conflict that’s been brewing on the battlefields of my brain for the past few days. Battalions Hope and Magical Thinking are surging forward with thoughts of cosmically-timed explosions at fertility clinics, and visualizations of this finally being a successful cycle. Battalions Jaded and Cynical are looking knowingly at the outbreak on my forehead’s terrain and lining up the defense while saying “I keep telling you, Floss. It just doesn’t work for you by simply having ovulation-friendly sex. You’re getting your period. Probably tomorrow, so just batten down the hatches.”

I am getting annoyed with myself for even thinking about aligning with Hope this cycle. It just feels naive and stupid especially when there was no express train to my uterus this month. And sadly, hope always makes defeat that much more painful.

Speaking of cosmic timing, on Friday we decided to take our cable company up on a pretty good offer on Showtime and HBO. Hello Boardwalk Empire! Hello Season 5 of Dexter without having to wait for it on Netflix! Hello a bunch of movies I missed in the theater! (Um, The Blind Side? Serious tearjerker, but it could have just been the hormones) So if it turns out that I do get my period today or tomorrow at least I know there’s some good TV to distract me. Sometimes I think I turn to scripted stories far too easily in times of pain. What can I say? It works for me.

I also have to decide what to do this cycle. I know the fateful clinic explosion and subsequent power failure bought me another turn on the Clomid-IUI merry-go-round because of the three-tries-before-we-move-on protocol. But I’m not sure I want to waste money on another one of those. If we had insurance coverage for IUIs, I would keep going with them, because I think it would work eventually. But we don’t, so I have to be realistic. But then I keep thinking, what if the third one will really be the one? I mean once upon a time I was ready to give up on men and dating and went reluctantly on a first date with the boy who became my husband. (Oh Hope, settle down! You’re killing me.)

I am pondering taking the rest of the year off to save for an IVF cycle in January. There are moments where that feels very freeing, but mostly it feels scary. Husband is trying to help me decide, but he knows that ultimately it’s my body that’s going to be put through the wringer with drugs so he’ll support whatever I choose. I think he’s probably going to be quite excited at taking a break from the expense of it all though. But maybe not when at the other end of that break is a big drain on the bank account. But can he witness 3 more cycles where all I feel is impatient? I’m not sure I’m the kind of person that will embrace the break peacefully. There’s something about being in a treatment cycle that boosts your hope, and I’m terrified of letting that go. I guess I could pin all my hopes on traditional Chinese medicine. I’ll always have needles and herbs.

I suppose I have a few days to mull it over.

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3 Responses to “Can you hear my brain? It’s churning.”

  1. Secret Sloper October 11, 2010 at 9:37 am #

    I’ll board that hope train for you. I really, really hope you don’t have to make any decisions at all about IVF or IUI or next month and that the Magical Exploding Fertility Clinic was all it took to get you where you needed to go.

  2. cgd October 11, 2010 at 10:50 am #

    I totally agree with Sloper that I hope you do not have decide between IUI/IVF. For me, my RE helped us make the decision about when to move on. I was told that after 3 to 4 IUI cycles most people will move on and that statistically the odds begin to decline that IUI will work. However, I am wondering if you can move on to IUI plus injectables? Have you tried that before? I think that is more effective than IUI plus clomid. Clearly I am not an RE so please take this for what it is worth.
    Crossing my fingers that this month is it!!!

  3. egghunt October 13, 2010 at 4:56 pm #

    The choice between IUI and IVF is a hard one. Especially because neither scenario is particularly romantic and ideal.
    And I completely get your thinking that it’s easier to have hope when you are in the midst of treatment. We all just want to know we’re doing all we can to get to motherhood and it would make it so much easier for us if there was a set plan with a definite outcome. Its all this greyness and uncertainty that is hard to deal with.
    So hoping that you get a little miracle and can throw away the IUI vs IVF discussions. That would be lovely wouldnt it?

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