A little lighter. And not because I fasted.

19 Sep

I’m not sure what came over me this weekend, but I’ve barely given infertility a thought. Well, we know that’s entirely impossible, and I’ve definitely sent a thought or two its way, but not with my usual hand wringing and frantic internet-searching. Maybe I am just tired. Or hungry.

I survived the Break Fast with all kinds of fertile people around me. Yes,  I zeroed in on the only other childless couple who looked to be about our age or older, and thought, “Hmmmm. I wonder what their story is?” (hate that I do that now), but felt fine being around all those moms, dads and kids.  I had a really nice conversation with the acupuncturist (I had called her on Friday to update her and set up an appointment, so she already knew what was going on) and it felt better just to chat to her at a party about her daughter, gardening,  the vampire obsession and a funny celebrity sighting she’d had, rather than talk “shop” and specifically how her shop relates to me. So that worked out well and I’m excited for my appointment on Tuesday.  I’m ready to get all kinds of blood flowing to my reproductive bits.

I also spent some time Friday drafting an email with lots of questions to my RE . His nurse had told me what day he was traveling back to the U.S., and suggested I email that day, because that’s the earliest he would be able to respond. Since the guy had just crossed oceans and a continent,  I wasn’t expecting to hear from him until next week. To my amazement, I checked my email randomly on Friday night (a few hours after I’d sent it) and he had replied. It was a nice note, really just an acknowledgment that he’d received my email, thought my questions were good ones and that once he had my chart in front of him next week, he would be able to draft the most thoughtful answers to figure out next steps for me beyond this current cycle.

I loved that he said, “I’m so sorry it hasn’t worked for you yet.” That word “yet” made me feel like there’s hope. I don’t want false hope, but it’s exactly this kind of optimistic energy that I need most. It’s subtle, and some may not even read optimism into it, but I’ll hold on to anything that smells remotely like possibility.

Today was a movie, hours in a bookstore and sushi day. Sometimes (but not always) in the middle of a day like this, I have moments of pure content, where I am not thinking about anything else but what’s immediately in front of me. When your life is defined by Cycle Days and which ones require doctor’s visits, peeing on things, procreative sex or obsessively tracking PMS vs pregnancy symptoms, moments like this do not happen often. I am so grateful for the sense of calm and well-being I felt today.

Our movie choice (“Never Let Me Go”) was made in our usual lack-of-advance-planning mode. I hadn’t heard much about it at all and had only a vague idea of its general theme.  Without going into plot details here, I’ll just say it’s a movie that’s very hard to get out of your head. Even more so when you are in the midst of desperately trying to create life.  It was somber and gray and very heavy, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. Carey Mulligan might be my new favorite young actress. (I finally watched “An Education” yesterday while passed out in hunger on the couch, and loved it.)

In more news that is not depressing, me and Clomid seemed to have reached a new phase in our relationship. Maybe it’s the cooler weather, but there have been less night sweats, headaches and general crankiness and well let’s just say I’m not the only person in this household who is enjoying this.

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3 Responses to “A little lighter. And not because I fasted.”

  1. egghunt September 20, 2010 at 2:23 am #

    Wow, thats really AMAZING that your RE replied so quickly. I struggle to even speak to my RE at all as all communication seems to go via the nurses. And I agree, the ‘yet’ word in the email holds a lot of meaning and hope. And thats what we live on around here so lap it up!
    Anyway, it sounds like you had a lovely weekend, I hope the content, peaceful feeling stays with you.

  2. cgd September 20, 2010 at 9:14 am #

    I agree, it is amazing that your RE is so responisve. I wish mine checked/used email!!! I hope he has some insights for you soon!!
    This sounds like the kind of weekend you needed, relaxing and free from IF. I know those times can be few and far between and it certainly sounds like you made the most of it. Wishing you many more days like this ahead (well really, I wish you a healthy baby, but you know what I mean).
    I hope this new year is sweet for you and your family.

  3. BabyMakingDiary September 23, 2010 at 11:57 am #

    So pleased your ‘break fast’ went by without a hitch, sounds like you made the right decision talking to the acupuncturist first. You really ‘sound’ so much calmer in this blog. TTC is so all-consuming, it’s a wonderful thing to enjoy the smaller things in life from time to time. And how great to get a quick and positive response from your RE. Hope this positive stretch continues.

    BTW went to see the acupuncturist yesterday, will probably write up in my blog over the weekend. Also, I will check for your email, it’s my husband’s old email address so we never check it!

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