Kick a girl when she’s down

6 Sep

Today would have been my due date had I not had a miscarriage in January. Yup, Labor Day.

I’ve been OK as this day has approached, but of course there has been a smorgasbord of emotion.  Sadness, even though I wasn’t attached to that pregnancy for very long. Nostalgia, for those blissful days after New Year’s Eve when I was pregnant after all those months of trying. (We had just come back from Hawaii–our first real vacation together in a while, and a belated honeymoon of sorts, because we took more of a mini-moon, and it just felt so right.)  Angry, because I was supposed to have a baby today,  but instead I am staring down the barrel of my eighth two week wait since the miscarriage.

Speaking of, it’s been less torturous this time around. Less twinges, aches, bloats, zits. These tww-eekers are really all so different, but the one thing I remember very clearly is that the time I was actually pregnant, I didn’t feel a thing. So the fact that I am not feeling a whole lot this cycle is filling me with all kinds of shy hope, beaten over the head with some not-so-shy cynicism.

But how’s this for a kick in gut on this slightly tender, soft spot of a day? On Friday I got what looked like a bill from Lab Company X. I didn’t open it, thinking it was for something related to recent bloodwork that I had already paid for. It crossed my mind that the clinic, as far as I could recall, uses Lab Company Y, not this other place, but didn’t give it much thought. Until today, when I decided to open it. And what did I find? A bill for my two betas with my ob/gyn from all the way back in January, that it seems, my old insurance has not paid. Which probably means they won’t.  I’m reeling from the cost — a little over $200 apiece.  So yes, I owe them over $400.  I realize I haven’t had much experience in beta-land, but this seems excessive, and inflated, and just wrong.  Granted, they did do a progesterone check as well as an HCG on each, but I find it hard to believe that checking for serum levels of anything should cost that much.

Well, I guess I know that tomorrow begins with a phone call featuring an irritable me.

But aside from expensive blood tests announcing themselves and my responsibility for them 8 months after the fact, it was a perfect relaxing weekend with the right balance of sloth and sociability.

It was also a weekend that included my first ever Resolve meeting. This was kind of a big deal for me. I am outgoing once I get to know people, but I hate, absolutely hate, walking into a room full of strangers, regardless of the situation. But it was fine, I was fine, and I’ll go back. Of course it’s a little strange going to your first meeting halfway through your two week wait when hope is rearing her bright-eyed little head. If you’re pregnant, you’re only allowed to attend through your first trimester (or some cut off close to it), so I felt a wee bit “Nice to meet you all! I Hope I don’t get to know you too well!”  Of course I feel like I am jinxing my chances of actually being pregnant just for saying that.

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3 Responses to “Kick a girl when she’s down”

  1. BabyMakingDiary September 7, 2010 at 1:19 pm #

    Wow, that’s a lot to deal with, I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time.
    I also hate walking into a room full of people I don’t know so I completely understand, and think the fact that you still went ahead and did it, especially at such an emotional time, is an extremely brave thing to do.
    Hope things get sorted with the insurance company and of course that you get to celebrate another pregnancy very soon.

  2. lady pumpkin September 7, 2010 at 6:15 pm #

    Okay, sleepy teacher needing to hit the sack, and so this’ll be a quickie:

    1. So glad you went to the Resolve meeting. And that, thanks to you and others, I now know what Resolve is.

    2. That beta bill thing is a total fucking racket. Yes, my filter has already gone to bed.

    3. Passing your due date must be so damn hard. I’m so, so sorry that you don’t have a baby in your arms. Sending love and hugs.

  3. Secret Sloper September 9, 2010 at 6:42 pm #

    The due date is so, so, so hard. It gets easier afterward. Until you hit the miscarriage anniversary date–I’m staring that one down right now and it feels worse than I ever could have imagined.

    I think these dates retain their sting until the baby finally comes. God I hope it’s soon for both of us.

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