Hot. Bothered.

19 Aug

Well, despite my “I am Buddha” approach to Day 1, my whiny sad self made a delayed appearance on Days 5 and 6. I’m not sure why, but I have a few guesses.

1) Much to my chagrin, Los Angeles has finally decided that it is summer. Just when I was getting comfy under that marine layer. Despite how much I complained about San Francisco’s constant fog quilt when I lived there, I secretly miss it. Or not so secretly. I know, it’s not even that hot. I am such a complainer. I am lucky I don’t live on the East Coast.

2) August and Clomid hate each other apparently. Or Clomid hates me in August. Or something. While I have become quite familiar with the “Africa-hot” flashes, suddenly they are not as flashy as they are damp. And sweaty. I took one of these classes this morning and rivulets were streaming down my neck and boob cavity before I had even lifted a 3 pound dumbbell. It was my first time, and now I’m afraid to go back, in case I will always be known to the 9:45 Thursday class as the very sweaty girl.

3) Infertility and savings accounts hate each other too. Without any insurance coverage for infertility, I predict a rapid depletion of ours. The one earmarked for a 1920s bungalow in Pasadena. I play the “House? Or Baby?” game all the time. Because apparently we may not get both. In a fit of anxiety about how we were going to pay for IVF, should it come to that,  I gingerly opened the folder with the info on ARC that I got from my clinic. It was completely overwhelming and confusing and I flung it across the room.

4) I speak to my parents regularly on Skype — at least once a week.  Over the past few months I have been very open about our struggles to grace them with what could be their final grandchild(ren), and our steps to remedy the situation. (Thank god they have many others to enjoy if we can’t give them one. Have I mentioned the ridiculous fertility in my family?) Anyway, this week’s conversation had me a little more “clo-motional” than usual and I hung up the phone feeling guilty for venting so much. I was also frustrated.  Normally it’s my anxiety-ridden mom who manages to get a rise out of me, but she knew exactly what to say. Things like,”I know there’s nothing I can say to make this easier. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.” (Gold star, mom! You have been paying attention.) My easy-going, charming dad on the other hand, who I get along famously with, was the one doling out the irritating advice. You know, the unhelpful stuff like “You should try not to think about it so much!” or “Go on a vacation, it’ll probably happen!” I realize that my 71 year old father might be a little uncomfortable talking about the state of my ovaries. Or thinking about all the action I’m getting via penis, ultrasound probe and catheter. I know he’ll be thrilled to get good news from us one day, but I don’t think he wants to know all the details about how we got there.  I should really work harder on curbing the impulse to give them a weekly cycle update.

4) Because I work at a school, I have quite a bit of free time in August. It’s also a notoriously slow month for my freelance copywriting gig. This is not necessarily a good thing when you are obsessing about the possibility that you may not be able to have a baby, or too scared to do anything fun for fear of spending money that could be spent on more important things, like ultrasounds or bloodwork. August is also a painful reminder of all the fun things your friends with kids are doing with their kids.

So there. Sorry for spewing my funk. But I do feel better.

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8 Responses to “Hot. Bothered.”

  1. BabyMakingDiary August 21, 2010 at 12:04 pm #

    The other day my mum told me I’d get pregnant when I least expect it. I told her that while I’m analysing every single tiny thing my body’s doing pretty much all the time, I will never not be expecting anything!

    So maybe August is a good month for blogging…glad this one made you feel better.

    • denise August 21, 2010 at 3:16 pm #

      Ah yes, those halcyon days of thinking that I would “fall pregnant” (as my mother puts it) and then wake up one day, wonder where my period went and rush out to buy a pregnancy test. But I think you’re right, August will be a good month for blogging.

  2. BU August 22, 2010 at 6:04 pm #

    I think your Buddha-ness will come back. Days 5 and 6 are just lame anyway.

  3. Lauren August 22, 2010 at 6:45 pm #

    Oh my, I feel you on the hot flashes. And I’m on the East Coast! It’s been enormously hot and the flashes just take it to a whole different level. I hope they pass quickly for you!

  4. tina August 23, 2010 at 4:10 am #

    hi! visiting here from iclw. sorry to hear about the hot flashes–i got those during our epic snowstorm here in february while we were doing our ivf treatment, and it wasn’t fun then–i can’t imagine it during the summer. looking forward to following your journey and wishing you much success!

    tina
    iclw #172

  5. The Infertility Doula August 23, 2010 at 5:48 am #

    Talking to your parents about IF can be tough. And similarly to your father, mine just wanted to stay as far away from details as possible. At least your mother was helpful and said the right things.

    As for IVF treatments, it sounds like you still have some time to think about that and perhaps save for it (I always like to have plans Bs, Cs and Ds — keeps me sane. Somewhat!). Have they checked for polyps, fibroid and the like?

    I’ll be following 😉

    ICLW#31

  6. stacie August 23, 2010 at 9:00 am #

    Ooh I totally get the ridiculously fertile family thing – I have one of those too. Although my dad is the opposite; I’m the one who doesn’t want to tell him all the icky details. It’s just awkward either way. Anyway, I hope your next IUI does the trick!

  7. Diana August 23, 2010 at 9:07 am #

    Happy ICLW! The Clomid hot flashes are the worst but so worth it when you get that BFP! Good luck!

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