My Dear Florence

14 Aug

Florence my old friend,

You have been teasing me these past few days. I’ve felt you invading my lower back with a dull ache that sets in right around the time I’m falling asleep, my face with a crop of annoying zits, and my esophagus with unrelenting heartburn, no matter what I eat.

I’d like to think this is your way of saying “Sayonara buddy! I’ll see you in nine months or more, but don’t forget what I look like!”  But if your bags are already packed and you’re on the road for a much sooner 5-day visit, please just get here.

Am I being too impatient? I know Saturday or Sunday are your preferred arrival days. While I appreciate that you know just how much I love a weekend Day 1, your habits are throwing a wrench in my new babymaking plan that has us paying quite a bit of money every month to be probed, investigated and inseminated by one of L.A.’s experts. Supposedly.

But here’s the thing: When you arrive on a Saturday, it  means inseminations are two weekends from the day you show up. You and your hormone pals are that predictable.  I thank you for these textbook cycles, really I do. But the weekend is  when all the residents are working. They are lovely, and quite competent, I’m sure, but dammit Florence, I would like my next insemination to be at the hands of the god himself! I have a feeling he won’t use the wrong size speculum, and I have never seen him put the ultrasound probe lubricant gel on the inside of the condom.

Am I being unreasonable? Maybe. But I am sick of you always getting your way. If you get here soon I’d like to talk about taking a break. Can we? It’s not you, it’s me. Well, really it is you, but don’t take it personally.

All my very best,



One Response to “My Dear Florence”

  1. Stephanie August 24, 2010 at 9:03 am #

    I love your writing style! I am going through my first IUI this cycle (hopefully having the procedure done next week) so I can relate to some of your feelings.

    ICLW #92

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