Waiting

30 Jul

The problem with a blog about infertility is that when you’re playing the waiting game (waiting to ovulate, waiting for an insemination, waiting to take a pregnancy test) it’s hard to know what to write about.

I could tell you that in the last 24 hours I’ve used 4 ovulation predictor kits, just to be sure I don’t miss my LH surge this time, analyzed 10 cycles of my Fertilityfriend.com charts for 10 reassuring reminders that I pretty much never get a positive before Day 13 or 14, googled all kinds of shit related to “IUI success stories,” or “IUI worked on the first try,” fretted that we will have a Saturday insemination when I have family in town, and when my doctor isn’t there (now looking highly likely).

But none of that is very interesting.

Lets talk about something else.

I recently saw TWO movies in one weekend. At the theater. This is almost unprecedented since the bigger screen TV at home, Netflix, and movies on demand through TiVo. Husband and I also have an uncanny talent for attracting the world’s most inconsiderate moviegoers. It doesn’t matter what theater or movie — we will be behind, in front of, or next to the people who text, answer their phones which shouldn’t even be ringing, talk through all the previews in regular voices, or my very favorite, the plot summarizers. “Oh no, she’s going to go in there. Don’t go in there! Oh, he’s got a gun!”

But sometimes I just want to eat a vat of greasy popcorn that I will hate myself over for days after, or “shush” and flash dagger looks at the talkers/texters/phone answerers in my general vicinity. Which leads me to one weekend, two movies and countless annoying audience members.

Let’s talk about Inception shall we? Yes,  I was impressed with the visuals; yes, Ellen Page and Joseph Gordon Levitt are adorable, but I reached the point where I started to glance at my watch. I love the concept of a dream within a dream within a dream, but couldn’t get into the execution. I like my dreams firmly planted in the ethereal, mystical and nonsensical. The dreams in Inception were everything but. And I hated having all their complexities narrated to me every time things got a little twisty. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when all the dreamers woke up. But I will say that the ending was pretty cool, for more reasons than it being the end.

I was sad, however, when The Kids are All Right was over. I loved the story, Annette Bening’s brilliant portrayal of the gruff Nic who loves her red wine a little more than she should, Julianne Moore’s flighty but lovely Jules. I wanted to know more. I wanted to know if Laser, Joni, their moms and their donor dad were really going to be all right.

The past few months have seen me spending more time than usual thinking about assisted reproductive technology and how the children created from it process their stories. I’m  young enough to have at least one child (hopefully two) from my own eggs, but what if i can’t for a second or third?  What would it be like to have one child with your DNA and another with someone else’s? How would I pick a donor? Would I love one child more than the other? Would I resent my husband because our baby might feel more his than mine?

The movie made me stop and think a bit. Yes, we’re willing to go all the way down this road, and are forging ahead in a flurry of ultrasounds, blood draws and check writing, But donor eggs or sperm aside, I haven’t really mourned the loss of me and my husband making a baby the old fashioned fun way. We’re going to love the 2.0 version just as much, I know, but this is hard. Hard on a marriage when your sex life becomes reduced to “not ruining the insemination sample.”  Hard on friendships when it’s all you can talk about. Hard on family life when you resent everyone in your gene pool’s fertility. Just plain hard. Sometimes I can’t believe I’m here.

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One Response to “Waiting”

  1. Foxypopcorn August 16, 2010 at 6:10 pm #

    Sometimes, I can’t believe I’m here either.

    For what its worth, I hope your stay here in this waiting place is short. In the meantime, Welcome! Make yourself at home 🙂

    -Foxy

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